Sometimes Silver Linings are Blue

Sorry Not Sorry

Archive for the tag “motherhood”

The whole truth…..

I posted this post last week on accident. It was something I wrote 3 months ago in my drafts rather pen and paper. It was never meant to be seen. I deleted it immediately. I had many emails and comments asking where it went. I’m humbled by the kind words of everyone who encouraged me to post it. I decided to finish the piece and repost it.

My oldest son, Joshua, and I play a music game. When we are driving we take turns listening to each other’s playlists. He is nearly 15 years now and talking isn’t one of his favorite things. I believe listening to someone’s playlist might be one of the best ways to understand them.

I will play a song and vice versa. I can sense the emotion he is feeling and my hope is he can sense mine too. I feel humor, love and struggle when he plays his playlist.

Joshua has had a complicated life. I am so proud how he has handled taxing situations. His father (my ex-husband) and my older sister are now married. They have now been married for over ten years. They were together before he was born. Through my FBI skills (😉) I was able to figure out their web of illusion.

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Infinity

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Wondering who will take my place

 A strong mind with an angel’s grace 

Praying you’ll be tender and obey 

I’m by your side every step of the way 

Carry my wisdom my convictions deep inside 

My voice constant when you need a guide 

I can save you if you need me to 

My sweet boys, I would never leave you


Mom

Two things I know are true.

1. I love my boys.

2. If you buy a sports car…buy red and a stick shift.

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“Fast Car”

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere
Any place is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we’ll make something
Me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
Won’t have to drive too far
Just ‘cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

See my old man’s got a problem
He live with the bottle that’s the way it is
He says his body’s too old for working
His body’s too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody’s got to take care of him
So I quit school and that’s what I did

You got a fast car
Is it fast enough so we can fly away?
We gotta make a decision
Leave tonight or live and die this way

So remember when we were driving driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped ’round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
We go cruising, entertain ourselves
You still ain’t got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You’ll find work and I’ll get promoted
We’ll move out of the shelter
Buy a bigger house and live in the suburbs

So remember when we were driving driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped ’round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I’d always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me find it
I got no plans I ain’t going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

So remember when we were driving driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped ’round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
Is it fast enough so you can fly away?
You gotta make a decision
Leave tonight or live and die this way

-Tracy Chapman

Shake down

Trouble is what I want

My fiery heart I will flaunt

Shake this good girl dress

I’m no angel I must confess

Forcing a smile and so meek

Give me just one night to be a freak

 Carisa Adrienne

Sometimes you need one night to just breathe

To remind yourself you are more than what your title is

Who doesn’t love Shakira??

Yup! ❤️

Brigade of Lionesses

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I was the newest mom in the support group.
I was different from the others.
I have-not only experienced a child with the disease, but I held it too.
Sitting with the moms in their heels and skirts while we sip tea.
We all drove Cadillacs, Beamers, or Benzes.
Society viewed us as having it all.
We have all the money we need and more.
Yet, we can’t buy our children’s health.
As each mother smiles and talks about rainbows and gum drops.
Their eyes could not deceive me.
I watched for weeks how they imagined they were fooling us all.
As they would speak how life was still perfect.
But… We all experienced the truth.
I would smurk and empathize hearing their lies.
On the third week my mouth opened without my command and
I uttered the words, ” You’re fucking lying!”
All their eyes were upon me in an instance
Usually the one sitting and observing,
I’m so uncomfortable with hurting someone’s feelings.
Nonetheless, I did not apologize.
I addressed how I knew they are lying to each of us, but more importantly to themselves.
I know the guilt they carry because I carry it too.
It awakens us in the night to check if our children are still breathing.
It ravages all emotions and leaves us with phony smiles.
When one of us loses a child, we all fall to our knees.
It leaves us filled with shame because we are grateful it wasn’t our child.
My raw emotion and honesty could not be tamed.
Gasping for air, I knew why I couldn’t obtain it.
Each of the others were doing the same –
We all were needing revived.
And we all blew into each other’s soul,
we were each other’s cure.
Suddenly, feeling understood and a long needed embrace,
we no longer needed to always be strong.
We had a place where there were no judgements.
We could feel stable in a world filled with pandemonium.
As I continued to speak one by one, their eyes started to weep.
For once not feeling alone in a room full of people

Carisa Adrienne

9/26/2015


 

 

 

Viewed as so fragile but stronger than most………. 

“Titanium”

You shout it out,
But I can’t hear a word you say
I’m talking loud not saying much
I’m criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up

[Chorus:]
I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium

Cut me down
But it’s you who’ll have further to fall
Ghost town, haunted love
Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
I’m talking loud not saying much

[Chorus:]
I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
I am titanium
I am titanium

Stone-hard, machine gun
Fired at the ones who run
Stone-hard as bulletproof glass

[Chorus:]
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
I am titanium

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My Favorite

One of my favorite videos of my life. It was Christmas of 2015. My boy is one of the only people who can make me laugh like that. He makes me laugh loud and innocently.

It’s only 9 seconds long.. But I’ve watched it for hours today.

I’m truly blessed..

 

My SideKick

Thought I would post one of my favorite pieces again…


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Always by my side cruising throughout the day

We sing, dance, laugh and pray

Innocently in my arms rocking out

Schooling the teacher what life’s all about

Chubby cheeks bouncing on my hip

Lifting you high with a turn and a flip

Before long you took a long-awaited stand

Now when we roll we stroll hand in hand

It’s been years now but you’d still be my pick

My boy, you’ll forever be my rocking sidekick

-Carisa Adrienne (Aka) Mom

8/4/ 2015

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