Wish I was on a tiny wooden boat
Slowly sending my grief afloat
No paddles needed for the sea
No destination in mind, no where to be
Fingers gently flowing through it all
Lightning and storming in the downfall
No life vest or beacon in sight
Stagnate but speeding through the night
Sailing adrift with clarity in my eyes
Passing my tears heading for the skies
Carisa Adrienne
Texting out of the blue
Asking what I’m up to
Exhaling heavy and deep
Turning off your notification beep
Carisa Adrienne
Missing those beautiful baby blues
My tears use them as a creative muse
Quickly breaking the speed of sound
No more thumping can be found
Scouring the wreckage of my heart
Searching for a beat to slowly start
Finding a broken vessel in need of a crew
Navigating waters of the deep sea blue
Carisa Adrienne
Spinning my wheels but going nowhere
Exhausted feeling broken beyond repair
Carrying burdens from years ago
Overpaying debts I didn’t owe
Trying to ease guilt I shouldn’t feel
Pleading for redemption to help me heal
Calibrate – Balance – Rectify me
Feeling brand new by turning the key
Carisa Adrienne
Well this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn’t turn
Well it smells of cheap wine, cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I’d like to watch it burn
I’m so alone and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain’t changed, but I know I ain’t the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin’ dreams
I think of death, it must be killin’ me
Hey, hey hey come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There’s got to be something better than
In the middle
But me and Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight
-The Wallflowers (partial lyrics)
Written by Jakob Dylan
Lying alone listening to your favorite song
Whispering words as I sing along
Playing on repeat as I calmly reflect
Spinning word for word trying to dissect
My eyes softly flutter with each tear
Moments of uncertainty becoming clear
Lying alone listening to your favorite song
No music on while I sing along
Tasting salty tears with each word
Consoling blues easily being heard
My mind is the record player as I dwell
Echoing your soul chanting heaven and hell
Carisa Adrienne
Give me three minutes of your time
You could tenderly explain your crime
Perhaps I’d forgive your heart’s treason
Make me understand – Give me one reason
Maybe your mind was stolen for a day or so
The winds blowing hard you had to let go
Wonder if remorse floods your heart
Waves of blood flowing back to the start
Back to simpler times without doubt
No rooms filled with shame to clear out
Maybe if you’d cry just one tear for me
I could be unshackled and set free
Carisa Adrienne
I wrote this at 4 am today.
My sister has been on my mind.
I wish I could stop loving her the way I do….
You stalked me like a lion with precise steps, anticipating the kill. For me it was an innocent summer evening. For you it was complete and utter euphoria.
Walking out of the grocery store I saw your unassuming smile. With a nervous smile I placed my groceries in the car. Suddenly, I was subdued with a fist to my left jaw. I awoke with the taste of red liquid metal with an overwhelming pain in my jaw. I clinched my teeth because of insecurity and anxiety. Doing so only brought more anguish.
I tried to move but my hands were cuffed. I tried to kick but my legs were tethered with wire. I knew I was in the trunk of a car.I could hear music faintly playing. The words had an eerie sound, but music has always calmed me. I felt I was dreaming, but the car would hit potholes and wake me up to reality. I tasted my silent salty tears from the corner of my mouth. I was paralyzed with a the thoughts of what the future would hold. I wondered if my absence had alerted anyone yet.
As I contemplated my fate I choked on the red dust as he sped down the lonely road to hell. My blood soaked clothes made worse by the night’s chill. In the darkness my trembling fingers searched for a sharp object for defense. I came up empty.
Within the blink of an eye the trunk slung open to the sounds of barking orders. Looking down the barrel while being thrown on the hard, unforgiving ground.
I’ve always been a keen observer of body language. I can tell more about someone by observing them for 5 minutes rather than talking to them for 5 hours. So my intense focus was all I had to save my life.
You wanted me to beg and scream in fear, and to cry in despair. However, that’s when I felt my life could be saved. I knew your need.
You violated my womanly rights throughout the night.
You beat me leaving bruises immediately from each blow. You caused my ribs to shatter. It was hard to breath with each inhale and hurt worse with every exhale. Perhaps that helped me keep my composure. I had to preserve every bit of strength I had as I didn’t move.
Even with the fists that felt like a Mac truck I didn’t utter a sound. With every blow raging into my side I looked away, crumbling inside. I stared away without blinking to each click of the gun to my temple. I was trembling inside with pain and consumed with thoughts of what would happen if the gun went off. Perhaps praying it would.
Ungodly anger filled your fists and tone of your words. I knew it was coming to a head and death was close. I knew I couldn’t take anymore, neither could you.
But I refused to give you my words, that’s all I had left. No one would rob them from me. They are my bond.
As I lay dying on the blood-soaked ground. You told me to get up. With your soul consumed with anger you set the gun down. I knew my chance was staring at me. Trembling I rose up wiping my blood filled lips.
As you gave a final blow into my gut I went flying into the now dented car door. I whispered, “that’s all ya got?” Kicking my back with your steel toed boots, closing the distance to the gun.
With fumbling hands I grabbed the gun. My teeth chattering because death is near. I shot right past you as you stepped towards me. I demanded you to stop, because I have a conscious.
You didn’t stop…
I was acquitted
It was justifiable homicide.
No one blames me for your death.
You are dead and gone.
However, I’m the one who lives in my own prison.
No matter the circumstance if you take the life of another human being.
It Fucks with your mind.
Sometimes you have to be your own Motherfucking Hero
A Lost Soul
I listened to this song for 6 months straight ❤
Rise up with courage fight the beast
Be brave- Be wild- Or he will feast
His appetite is fierce he won’t give in
Leaving massive scars deep within
Gather up your anguish to fight the savage
Ready for clemency Ready to ravage
Release your heartache to be your drive
Leading to its death but you will survive
Carisa Adrienne
I’m trying to be everything you need
Giving affection Taking demands
No matter what I can’t succeed
Am I going up or about to fall
Giving all I have Taking all I want
Fuck you, Fuck me, Fuck it all
Carisa Adrienne
I posted this post last week on accident. It was something I wrote 3 months ago in my drafts rather pen and paper. It was never meant to be seen. I deleted it immediately. I had many emails and comments asking where it went. I’m humbled by the kind words of everyone who encouraged me to post it. I decided to finish the piece and repost it.
My oldest son, Joshua, and I play a music game. When we are driving we take turns listening to each other’s playlists. He is nearly 15 years now and talking isn’t one of his favorite things. I believe listening to someone’s playlist might be one of the best ways to understand them.
I will play a song and vice versa. I can sense the emotion he is feeling and my hope is he can sense mine too. I feel humor, love and struggle when he plays his playlist.
Joshua has had a complicated life. I am so proud how he has handled taxing situations. His father (my ex-husband) and my older sister are now married. They have now been married for over ten years. They were together before he was born. Through my FBI skills (😉) I was able to figure out their web of illusion.
