Sometimes Silver Linings are Blue

Sorry Not Sorry

I Killed A Man

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You stalked me like a lion with precise steps, anticipating the kill. For me it was an innocent summer evening. For you it was complete and utter euphoria.

Walking out of the grocery store I saw your unassuming smile. With a nervous smile I placed my groceries in the car. Suddenly, I was subdued with a fist to my left jaw. I awoke with the taste of red liquid metal with an overwhelming pain in my jaw. I clinched my teeth because of insecurity and anxiety. Doing so only brought more anguish.

I tried to move but my hands were cuffed. I tried to kick but my legs were tethered with wire. I knew I was in the trunk of a car.I could hear music faintly playing. The words had an eerie sound, but music has always calmed me. I felt I was dreaming, but the car would hit potholes and wake me up to reality. I tasted my silent salty tears from the corner of my mouth. I was paralyzed with a the thoughts of what the future would hold. I wondered if my absence had alerted anyone yet.

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As I contemplated my fate I choked on the red dust as he sped down the lonely road to hell. My blood soaked clothes made worse by the night’s chill. In the darkness my trembling fingers searched for a sharp object for defense. I came up empty.

Within the blink of an eye the trunk slung open to the sounds of barking orders. Looking down the barrel while being thrown on the hard, unforgiving ground.

I’ve always been a keen observer of body language. I can tell more about someone by observing them for 5 minutes rather than talking to them for 5 hours. So my intense focus was all I had to save my life.

You wanted me to beg and scream in fear, and to cry in despair. However, that’s when I felt my life could be saved. I knew your need.

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You violated my womanly rights throughout the night.

You beat me leaving bruises immediately from each blow. You caused my ribs to shatter. It was hard to breath with each inhale and hurt worse with every exhale. Perhaps that helped me keep my composure. I had to preserve every bit of strength I had as I didn’t move.

Even with the fists that felt like a Mac truck I didn’t utter a sound. With every blow raging into my side I looked away, crumbling inside. I stared away without blinking to each click of the gun to my temple. I was trembling inside with pain and consumed with thoughts of what would happen if the gun went off. Perhaps praying it would.

Ungodly anger filled your fists and tone of your words. I knew it was coming to a head and death was close. I knew I couldn’t take anymore, neither could you.

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But I refused to give you my words, that’s all I had left. No one would rob them from me. They  are my bond.

As I lay dying on the blood-soaked ground. You told me to get up. With your soul consumed with anger you set the gun down. I knew my chance was staring at me. Trembling I rose up wiping my blood filled lips.

As you gave a final blow into my gut I went flying into the now dented car door. I whispered, “that’s all ya got?” Kicking my back with your steel toed boots, closing the distance to the gun.

With fumbling hands I grabbed the gun. My teeth chattering because death is near. I shot right past you as you stepped towards me. I demanded you to stop, because I have a conscious.

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You didn’t stop…

I was acquitted
It was justifiable homicide.
No one blames me for your death.
You are dead and gone.
However, I’m the one who lives in my own prison.
No matter the circumstance if you take the life of another human being.
It Fucks with your mind.

Sometimes you have to be your own Motherfucking Hero


A Lost Soul 

I listened to this song for 6 months straight ❤

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4 thoughts on “I Killed A Man

  1. You are such an amazing writer!
    Whoa!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I like this longer format. This is really good, Carisa.

    Liked by 1 person

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