I posted this post last week on accident. It was something I wrote 3 months ago in my drafts rather pen and paper. It was never meant to be seen. I deleted it immediately. I had many emails and comments asking where it went. I’m humbled by the kind words of everyone who encouraged me to post it. I decided to finish the piece and repost it.
My oldest son, Joshua, and I play a music game. When we are driving we take turns listening to each other’s playlists. He is nearly 15 years now and talking isn’t one of his favorite things. I believe listening to someone’s playlist might be one of the best ways to understand them.
I will play a song and vice versa. I can sense the emotion he is feeling and my hope is he can sense mine too. I feel humor, love and struggle when he plays his playlist.
Joshua has had a complicated life. I am so proud how he has handled taxing situations. His father (my ex-husband) and my older sister are now married. They have now been married for over ten years. They were together before he was born. Through my FBI skills (😉) I was able to figure out their web of illusion.
Shortly after Joshua was born I was living in a garage apartment. I had less material things than I ever had in my life, but never felt richer. I scrapped every penny I made to pay for half-baked legal representation. While his father and my sister both owned their own successful businesses. I would be lying if I said I was strong. I was actually very weak and insecure. At times I would cry myself to sleep next to him. However, waking up in the morning and stepping on a pacifier was the best feeling in the world.
Joshua gave me a drive and doing so I started to understand myself. I do feel guilty, because it wasn’t his duty to give me purpose. It was my responsibility to help Joshua recognize his purpose and shelter him from heartache. I don’t feel I did all that could be done.
I know when I am standing before God, and asked what my worst sin was. I will reply with, “Not sheltering Joshua from the heartache I was feeling.” I don’t expect the gates to open, and rightfully so.
I am the youngest of 6 children. I have 4 sisters and 1 brother. We were closer than any family I knew. All of us talking everyday and socializing weekly. (Maybe that wasn’t such a good thing 😉) To moving to a little small town 20 minutes away. Cutting off all contact from my sisters who emotionally supported my side of the situation.
I felt if I couldn’t trust my closest sister, then who could I trust!? I was a young mother who was completely broken. My heart-broken because of Danielle… Not my ex-husband. To this day I’ve searched for the words to describe my despair.. But I’ve never found them. I don’t believe they exist…..
I would ascend at 5 am and drop Joshua off at daycare. Work in Pediatrics 10-12 hours. Rush to pick him up. Get the jogging stroller out and run for miles. Next, it was time for home. Then, it all started all over again. Repeat.. Repeat.
I know I wasn’t the mother he needed during that time. I struggled with the treason of my sister more than anything. It was a sea of darkness on many occasions. Joshua was swimming in it too….
I did the best I knew possible. I know I failed miserably at times. Probably because I am not a perfect person. I learned more about myself in that year than I ever knew. I learned a human can go further than they ever thought.
My ex-husband and sister have always wanted me out of the picture. I recall my ex husband’s words one night on a phone call, “Carisa, we waited until you got pregnant because we knew Danielle couldn’t have kids. Joshua is the closet thing she’ll have.”
My mind couldn’t grasp the words he was saying. I calmly walked outside and was sick….Over and over and over.
She always wanted her own child and he wanted material things. He once told me he would be able to have us both. From the moment I realized the truth I never looked at him the same. It’s not as easy to stop loving my sister. She continues to dig her knife into my back. I suppose I’m guilty too, because I’m standing close enough to let her.
I claim full responsibility how I dealt with the actions of them. I’ve never done one drug my life. I’ve never been drunk. I’m not saying those words for admiration, but to convey how I was completely filled with rules. I bottled it all in and doing so I wasn’t the mother Joshua needed.
I don’t judge the lives of others. I know I wouldn’t want someone to judge mine. We all are given burdens to carry. Some are heavier than others. Even though this burden was not my heaviest.. I know it could be worse.
I recognize it was a roller coaster dealing with the episodes of dropping Joshua off and picking him up. I felt like I wanted to scream. I’m met with grief thinking of my sweet baby boy dealing with it all.
I sent notes in the diaper bag asking her to please give him his medicine at his times. To remind her of things they needed to know. I never talked to her personally for 6 years straight. I didn’t feel I would be able to recover from it.
The only silver lining to this might be…. when he wasn’t with me, hopefully, he was with someone who loved him as their own blood.
I always reminded myself, I love him more than I hate what they have done…
I hope I was able to show him unconditional love. I know the worst feeling for him is picking which parent to please. His father and I have different parenting views. I’ve learned to sometimes decide for him and let him feel the weights been lifted from him.
As long as I know he is safe. I will bow out of certain situations so he doesn’t have to feel he is choosing. Many may not understand my reasoning, and that’s okay. I know my reasoning… it’s for my boy.
Even though I’m walking away smiling. However, I can’t make it to the car before breaking down. It’s a far better feeling than thinking of him crying in the night because he felt he let one of us down. I hope he understands and appreciates my unconditional love. The feeling of even though he didn’t pick me at times, it doesn’t change how much I love him.
The last song he played was the Scientist by Coldplay.
I never liked the song until he played it several times in a row. While turning up the volume he just stared out the window. We were having a challenging time prior to this. Today I can barely listen to the very first words without my eyes burning and tears flowing.
It’s been on repeat for days now.
Unknown fact about us, we share the same birthday. He was due December 24th and came October 24th. What a fighter I’m honored to call my son. ❤️
“The Scientist”
You don’t know how lovely you areI had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apartTell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let’s go back to the startRunning in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a science apartNobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hardOh, take me back to the startI was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apartQuestions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heartTell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh, and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m going back to the start
Oh [x4]
167 thoughts on “The whole truth…..”
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The Bioman
What’s new, Sugarcu-be?
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Carisa Adrienne
With the post? Haha 🙂
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The Bioman
Just a general Whatsup? to all and you.
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williamleeone
I think that you and your son are friggin heroes ! The world is crazy enough to deal with growing up and neither you or your son had much of a “normal” start. Kudos to you both for hanging on to what will always be;Mother and Son ! ; )
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Carisa Adrienne
William… Do you know I think I love you! 🙂 I’m humbled by your sweetness. Your words make my heart dance. Thank you ❤️
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My Pirate Chambers
It warms my heart to see this post again.
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Carisa Adrienne
Thank you, your comments last week brought tears to my eyes! ❤️
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thelonelyauthorblog
One of the best posts that I have ever read. I am certain it was not easy to post. You are so brave. If I admired you before, you have now moved to pedestal category. A single mother overcoming the hurdles presented to you is amazing. Others would have turned to drugs or alcohol. Sorry, to hear the betrayals of your past, an unfaithful husband can be easily forgotten, but a sibling – that is tragic. Joshua has great taste in music. I am sure all of the beauty he has comes directly from you. And if you made the mistake of letting your boy see your pain, the pearl gates will still be open for you.
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Carisa Adrienne
Your comment makes my heart bleed deep red. Those words coming from you are priceless. Thank you.. I can’t give you enough appreciation. I was no saint.. ;). Many times I would drive to their home to do all the things my mind wanted to do. However, I never pulled into drive. Having my sister betray me because of wanting my child was beyond my thinking. I will never understand it. It wouldn’t matter what reasoning she gave… It wouldn’t make any sense to me. I love your last sentence. I’m believing you 😉 ❤️
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thelonelyauthorblog
You can’t imagine how bad I want to hug you. This laptop is hard & gray, nothing like you. As always, wishing you all the best. YOU DESERVE IT. And God bless Joshua.
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Carisa Adrienne
Thank you ❤️.
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Carisa Adrienne
I’m laughing so hard… I had no idea I did that. Thank you! Thank you! For commenting and letting me know I’m so clumsy this morning. You make everyday brighter. Thank you for having my back! 😉❤️
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thelonelyauthorblog
Laughing my butt off. You know I would read anything you write, including your grocry list. lol
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Carisa Adrienne
lol… Please if you ever see that let me know!! I wouldn’t put it past me to accidentally post it. Lol. 😉 ❤️
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thelonelyauthorblog
No problem. I will. lol
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el Zaphod
Carisa, you sound like you had it hard and you did, but the biggest thing that bugs has to do with your belief / faith, where you said something about sin….
My dear Carisa you are human and you did beyond what was demanded of you. You should not worry about being judge at all !!!!
You are human and seem to give yourself super human standards.
To me if I believed in sin that would be your only one, you punishment for that one would be a weekend long stay at a spa massaged 12 hours a day !
No , well yes … anyways . In my thought and feeling about life is it is an experience and you learn and grow through its challenges and yes it also means dealing with other people, and especially with your son. The bond you two have will be like no other. It is special not just because it is yours but compared to others. You have nothing to be ashamed of and if I could i would turn your ear red scolding you…. with the best of intention of course.
You should be proud
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Carisa Adrienne
Awe, El.. I’m feeling your scolding already. I appreciate your words on the heaven thoughts. I do believe you’re right. I truly do.. That is a hang up I will have the rest of my life. My upbringing was in a cult. I was able to escape it. I was taught things that were absurd while I was still in the womb. I know it was all lies but it was a traumatic 18 years. The effects have actually followed me all my life. The things that happened will always be a part of me. Silver lining is.. Because of my childhood I try to figure out what isn’t right… And do the opposite of it.
I don’t compliment myself… But one thing I know for sure is I would never do anything hurt someone. I always try to help when others are in need because I know what it feels like to suffer. I never want anyone to deal with those emotions. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me.. And I forget.. :). I need you to remind me to not be a dork! Your words on the other things are very kind and I know they are genuine. Thank you so much. I truly mean it. ❤️
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el Zaphod
A Dork you are not !
See , still scolding you . on that I refuse to give you an inch to wiggle. You are a classy person , just respect yourself.
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Carisa Adrienne
Awe.., El, thank you 😉 I’m a classy person 🙂 I will repeat it a hundred times. 🙂
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el Zaphod
Yes yes and tap your heels together as you do… and think of the little engine that could too , you need all the inspiration you can get 😉
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Carisa Adrienne
How about Rinky Dink Dink ado! The cat and the hat.. I had to read this several times because I couldn’t stop laughing. I have this sound in my head what your voice sounds like. I may be completely wrong… Ummm, I’m sure I am wrong because I’ve never heard your voice:)
However, I part about the little engine that could is the funniest.. I do need all the inspiration I can get… Going to watch my boys old Barney videos. 😉❤️
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el Zaphod
Barney? oh no , I don’t wish that kind of hell to any of my enemies 😦
It’s good to laugh 😉
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Carisa Adrienne
It’s so good to laugh… I actually probably do it to much 🙂 😀
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el Zaphod
No problem there … unless you wear dentures 😀 that could be embarrassing
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Carisa Adrienne
Shhhit! Now you tell me…
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el Zaphod
Sounds like you need a wipe 😀
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Carisa Adrienne
Elllll… Wood! Anything I say you turn it around on me! I think when you send a comment to me you are laughing so hard at it. You know that I’m going to say something about you being able to do that…. Haha 🙂
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el Zaphod
hahahahah hell yeah when i am not scolding someone I am laughing at almost all my replies i post … and you know it 😉
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Carisa Adrienne
Yes.. I do know that for a fact… 🙂
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el Zaphod
See you already know things 🙂
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Carisa Adrienne
A few things 😉
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el Zaphod
bah give it time you will be a know it all 😀
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Carisa Adrienne
It’s been over 2 hours… Haven’t learned very much. ..I have learned the song by Elton John.. “Tony Danza” is really “Tiny Dancer”
Who the heck knew that!! Well, I do now ;). Today is a productive day 🙂
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el Zaphod
and then …. there is useless things one can learn 😛
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Carisa Adrienne
Don’t act like you knew what the song was really called!
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el Zaphod
No i never bothered 😛
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Carisa Adrienne
Goodness… What do you do with your life.. 😀
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thespiritkeepers
Your post is so full of passion for your son and so much honesty on your part. Yes you have struggled but the sounds of it you landed on your own two feet. Don’t beat yourself up that you weren’t there for your son. He could have had a worse upbringing…something to keep in mind when you want to beat yourself up…..or you can lay your head on my big shoulders. With the betrayal of your husband and your sister well is it such a sin not to forgive them….I think not…what they have to live in in the eyes of your family is punishment for the rest of their lives. It will be in everyone of your family’s mind every time they see them together what they did. So baby cakes Chillax…..I think your son will come around. He just might be a quiet kid like I was and just remember a child’s bond to the mother is far greater than it is with the father. You did good something to wear proudly on your soul. If I knew how do hearts on a regular computer I would paste this page with them.
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Carisa Adrienne
I’ve written you 2 long comments and I don’t think they went through..
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thespiritkeepers
They are not here on my end. 😦
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Carisa Adrienne
Haha.. That one went through before I wrote much! Ha.. I think I need to turn my phone off and on..
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thespiritkeepers
🙂
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Carisa Adrienne
I read your comment before I ran to the pharmacy. I was laughing out loud at sweet and kind comment here. I bet your shoulders have helped many through their way out of darkness. 🙂 I would’ve only been so lucky. I’ve forgiven both of them years ago but I still feel weak at times because of her. It’s something I’ve got to get over. My sister is 5 years older than me. She was always absolutely stunning. I remember people would stop us in the middle of shopping and tell her she was so beautiful. They were right.. She was. I never saw it but we were always asked if we were twins.., I think it was just the same basic features. After my boy started school she gained a lot of weight. I don’t think it’s funny when anyone gains weight. But I thought maybe it was God telling me.. This one is for you Carisa ;). While at the school for things to do with my son.. I would have people walk by me that knew her and say.. Oh my goodness, Danielle, you’ve lost so much weight you look amazing. Several occasions my ex-husband was standing there too. I would smile and say nope.. I’m not her but thank you. ;). I thanked my lucky stars for those ladies. Also.. I say the word Chillax.. I knew you were beyond cool. And the last sentence about the hearts is my favorite. ❤️
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thespiritkeepers
It sounds like a bit of Karma hit your ex husband with that comment about the weight. Yes it is a nice validation for you and a slap on the face for him. Karma has a way of spanking those that let their asses hang out in public lol ❤ I hope that will be a heart If not don’t know how to do it so I’ll chillax over it and think about blue skies. lol
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thespiritkeepers
It’s a heart. Small things amuse me. lol
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Carisa Adrienne
Haha… Laughing out loud so much ❤️
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thespiritkeepers
🙂
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Carisa Adrienne
Hehe… Goodness, I hope he felt it…
Is that wrong of me!!?? I think we’d be in trouble in the same place. Laughing about things that not all would understand 😉 lol
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thespiritkeepers
Trouble is good sometimes. No not wrong of you in seeing Karma at its best. Woot! Woot!
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Carisa Adrienne
All aboard 😉 ❤️
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thespiritkeepers
🙂
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Rob Taylor
I too wondered about the post. The very revealing words can be difficult to throw out in the open. Courage….
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Carisa Adrienne
Rob.. When I saw this comment my heart smiled too. Thank you for saying things I needed to hear. After I accidentally posted it and realized it.. I was beside myself last week. Your kind words make it all worthwhile. I respect you so much. I always love seeing your new posts. Thank you for commenting about wondering about it too. ❤️
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Ryan Stone
You. Are. Amazing.
There is no force in the world as strong as a mother’s love. Your son will learn many important lessons about being a man based on his perception of women – and what a role model you are, Carisa.
I’m still processing this post – you have my complete respect and admiration for your courage.
I take my hat off to you, lioness.
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Carisa Adrienne
Ryan, thank you for being so kind with a comment so heartfelt and genuine. Your words about his perception of women.. Were perfect for my guilt… My hope is he grows up to be an upstanding young man who will have a respect for the woman he falls in love with. I want him to have a stable family. Again, thank you for the perfect words. I love the lioness comment 😉
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Ryan Stone
This one’s for you-
https://daysofstone.wordpress.com/2016/01/21/motherson-5-7-5/
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Carisa Adrienne
Ryan, my dear incredible friend, Ryan, you are beyond superhuman. How do you make me cry with every word you say. Thank you beyond my capability of words.
I’m so grateful for our friendship. ❤️😉🌟✨ I can only pray my boys may be as compassionate as you. You’re wife and boys are some of the luckiest people in the world. 😉
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Ryan Stone
That’s very sweet of you to say, Carissa. Thank you 🙂
I’m very happy to call you ‘friend’ as well. So glad you like the senryu 🙂
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Lynz Real Cooking
You are human and did your best. I went through something similar and I fell apart or I feel like I did! We are human and I hope my kids saw that I stood back up and kept going and tried to be my best and that is what they learned I hope! xxx
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Carisa Adrienne
Lynz.. Oh my… Thank you for those words.. Thank you! Thank you! When I think of a mother who has been through hell all for the love of her children.. That’s you. ❤️ You’re exactly right… About getting knocked down but standing back up. That’s the determination like nothing else. Thank you so much Lynz. My love and respect is always sent to you. ❤️
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Lynz Real Cooking
Xxx
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MummasTruths
Wow this was really moving and I have no doubt reading this that you were and are the mother that your son needed. You were dealt a shitty hand and dealt with it the best you could, I commend you for that. Be proud of yourself.
Have always been touched by that Coldplay song, it too means something special to me and I think sharing your playlists is an amazing way to ‘talk without talking’ as such.
Lovely read and brave blog. X
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Carisa Adrienne
I’m humbled by your words and support. I’m grateful for you taking the time to read and leave such a touching comment. My heart feels lighter reading all the encouraging comments. I love the song…
You’re a music fan too. I love listening to others playlists. It’s so telling… Thank you for again for the kind words. ❤️
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R.H. (Rusty) Foerger
Really astonishing. Your ex, your older sister, the sense of entitlement to your son for your sister’s sake? You have experienced more betrayal than I can imagine. I see your readers (and I) are heaping praise on your writing and your honesty, but it is your courage and strength that I can only compare to my widow mother who raised 6 kids. Sorry for all the adulation, but I think you don’t know how amazing your post is. All your readers are telling you that.
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Carisa Adrienne
My goodness all the kindness and support in this comment is amazing. Thank you! Thank you :). You used the perfect word regarding my brokenness over my sister. The word “entitlement” for my son. I can tell your mother is a strong and loving women. You speak of her the way I hope one day my boys will speak of me. With honor and respect. I can tell she did an amazing job raising you. I can’t imagine raising 6 children by myself. She has my admiration. She truly sounds superhuman. My mind is working overtime thinking about how much she loved her children. I’m so happy you commented, Rusty. You’ve made me feel very good. Thank you 🙂
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Eric
You are a beautiful soul.
You are a beautiful person.
You are a beautiful woman.
You are a courageous superhero.
I love you, Carisa. ❤
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Carisa Adrienne
Thank you, Sweet Eric. ❤
You’re always so supportive with comments filled with love and respect.
I’m so lucky to have you as my friend.
Thank you ❤️ 😉
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stacilys
Carisa, I feel sad for you. What a difficult and trying situation. You are a super hero girl. Really and truly. You have made yourself vulnerable and shared something so very personal and, no doubt painful. It has produced a real strength. Wow.
💕💕💕
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Carisa Adrienne
Thank you, Staci ❤️ Life has so many things that are difficult for everyone. I know you’ve had struggles in your life too. I do know time does ease the pain at times. Patience is the hardest thing for me. It was one of my greatest lessons with the situation. I still am not as patient as I should be 😉..: but I’m better than I use to be. It made me feel so vulnerable to repost it. However, if I don’t feel vulnerable at times… Perhaps, I’m not being as honest as I should be. I’m so fortunate to have you as someone who lets me know it’s ok. Thank you so much. I adore you so much, Staci. ❤️
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stacilys
Awwwww, I love that you made yourself vulnerable. That’s where honesty shines through. I still think you’re a superhero. I don’t know how I would have handled such a difficult and delicate situation.
I hear you on the patience end. I’m better than I used to be too, however I still have a long way to go.
Much love and hugs to you sweetie.
🙂 ❤
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nataliescarberry
Good for you! I’m so glad you went ahead and posted this. Hugs, N 🙂 ❤
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Carisa Adrienne
Thank you, Natalie! When you sought me out last week over the post… I was moved by you compassion and support. I cried several times reading your comments. Thank you for encouraging me to repost it. I’m indebted to you. ❤️
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nataliescarberry
😘❤️🌹
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Jarrod C
Carisa, I was really taken aback reading about your situation. I understand that sense of treason. You have a lot to hold your head high about. I am sure you made mistakes. We all do. Life doesn’t come with instructions or a blue print. But you did the best you could, you grew from your mistakes, and you never quit – on yourself or your son. And that takes a lot of courage. I am proud of you for that.
Family just means you are related to someone, that’s all. As your situation shows, and I can also attest to, it doesn’t mean anything else. People do what they want and they are selfish. This is a difficult situation for your son and I am glad he has a loving caring mother who will be there to provide guidance and companionship as he matures. Know you are setting a good example for him.
I wish you both the best. Thank you for sharing your story. It is inspiring.
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Carisa Adrienne
Awe, Jarrod, I’m so inspired by your words to me. I feel your support and love. Thank you! You said so many things I’ve thought about… “Family just means you’re resorted.” I’ve never heard that… It’s very powerful. I’m so moved and filled with strength comment. You’ve made an impact on me. Thank you so much. ❤️
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Jarrod C
You are very welcome Carisa. You misquoted me though. What I actually said is “Family just means you are related to someone, that’s all.”
What I mean by that is that sometimes people feel like they can treat family members poorly with the mindset of “they are family and will forgive,” If we are family, we should have higher expectations and look out for one another – not have lower ones. Some of my closest friends are my family as they have always been there for me.
Keep your head held high. I am proud of you.
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Carisa Adrienne
I understand now, Jarrod. I agree with your words. Very wise words. ❤️
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Jarrod C
Be well my friend and continue to hold your head high.
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Dorinda Duclos
You’d be “Mom of the Year” in my book! Your story speaks of your courage and determination, not only for your son, but for you! Thank you for sharing with us. It is a beautiful mother and child story. ❤️
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Carisa Adrienne
Dorinda… How do I respond to this. I’m so grateful and humbled by your words. Words have always inspired me. Please, know yours will stay with me. Thank you.. You’re such a beautiful person ❤️
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Dorinda Duclos
Thank you 🙂 I only speak the truth…Be blessed, my friend!!
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Michael
Sweet Carisa, what an incredible story you have shared. I can’t even imagine how painful this journey has been. It is even more amazing that you are still so full of love and hope. It radiates from your spirit. I have no doubt that you have been a wonderful mother and the gates will open for you. ❤ You have been strong to endure and provide loving support for your boys…easing their pain when and where you can. You didn’t create this situation and are doing the best you can…the best anyone can…to love. You are a beautiful soul! ❤
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Carisa Adrienne
Awe… My sweet, Michael, I loved seeing you in my notifications. ❤️ I read your comment several times.. Over and over.
It brought me to tears… Truly it did…
This was written months ago… before the new year and before you shared your story with me. I think about your story so much and it gives me strength. I feel a bond with you. I know you feel my pain and emotions. Thank you again… ❤️😉
Hope all is well with you! I’m glad we’ve connected.
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Michael
Thank you, Carisa 🙂 I do feel so very connected to you and feel you. ❤ Sliver linings can be blue and I (all of us) care about you and your journey.
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Geetha B
Carisa, you might have heard about Solomon’s test which determined who was the real mother of the baby. Love is always stronger than anything else and what binds you to your son goes beyond physical interactions. This is a time for letting go and it is good that you were able to publish this again. I wanted to share with you this video and tell you that the heart that loves does not know bitterness. We are not our past experiences but the hope and love that shine through us. May those dark moments of your past leave your mind and may your heart and soul only be filled with the memories of that unconditional love. Let it overflow, encompass all. Forgiveness is the only way to your own freedom. Be well sweet Carissa
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Carisa Adrienne
Thank you, Geetha ❤️. I know the story of Solomon’s son..: it’s one of my favorite bible stories. :). Thank you for sharing the video too. It’s so powerful.. I’ve never seen it before. It made me tear up. Beautiful song too. Thank you for reassuring me about the past and the future. Always do the best you can do.. Do it with love and it will shine through. I always love reading your comments. You’re filled with love and support. Thank you, Geetha ❤️
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Geetha B
Welcome Carisa. You’re filled with Love and support yourself don’t you think 🙂 ? I am glad you liked the video and not surprised you like that bible story. Be well my friend 🙂
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Erika Kind
Dear Carisa, first of all it is amazing how much love radiates from your post. 💖
I understand that you believe you were not the mother your son needed. You must have felt totally lost and left alone in the dark. But when you look back of what you went through all by yourself, it is amazing what a fantastic mother you have been. A lot was out of your hands and the whole situation was not caused by you. But you were the one who had to deal with it. As I wrote to you already, you can only give your best and you did that every day. And this best in the end will be what makes your son a strong man. He will understand.
You worked all day, dealt with the hardest heartbreak, enabled a living for you and your son. Others break down and give up. As I told you in the email, you did not lay down and resigned or gave up on life. You stood up, dusted you off and went on. That is, what shows real strength. You did not back off, no, you faced life.
I believe that nothing happens just so and also that you “accidentially” published your draft needed to be. You are ready to open the doors and kiss that demon goodbye. It might not be completely done with the post. But that is the beginning of liberating yourself from what others did wrong and what you punished you yourself with for years. You also see in the comments how much everybody feels with you. Perhaps you don’t feel it yet, but you can be proud of yourself how far you have come against all odds! You are an amazing and powerful woman and I cannot repeat that often enough. I have the highest respect for you, Carisa! Feel strongly hugged, dear 💖💖💖
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Carisa Adrienne
Oh my sweet Erika, thank you for the genuine comment filled with so much love. You were the first one to ask about my post. Thank you for being so compassionate. I truly needed your words at the time you sent them. I can’t thank you enough. ❤️ I’m always able to forgive others…. I’ve forgiven my sister and ex-husband years ago. However, I’ve never forgiven myself for the struggles I battled. You writing and expressing such compassion was overwhelming for me… Led me to tears. Thank you, Thank you!
I know we all fall at some point in our lives… Everyone will have their cross to bear… We can only do the best we can. I hope my son will be able to appreciate my unconditional love. I know teens may not truly understand what the definition of it. My hopes are I was able to tell him but more importantly I showed him.
I’m indebted to you for the way you showed your support. My love is sent to you forever and always. ❤️❤️✨🌟
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Erika Kind
Carisa, that was so hearfelt and touching again. I know that nonofy who doesn’t stand in your shoes is able to know how you felt/are feeling and what you went through. But only what I felt through your words already touched me so deeply. I saw a wonderful soul doing her best to keep her chin above the water and holding her baby high in order to get not wet. This woman blaming herself for choking on the water she swallowed brought tears to my eyes.
Action says more than words. Your son will definitely see what you did and achieved. The way you acted is undeniable. That is what he will understand once he has to care more for himself or even for a family.
You know I appreciate you very much for the thoughtful, compassionate, and courageous person you are and for what you helped me. I feel honored that I may be the friend of such wonderful and exemplary woman! Much much love to you and that is meant forever too 💖💖💖
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J.T.O'Sullivan
Carisa.
I have been quite busy until late this morning and I have been saving your post for a day I could truly read it. Then it was no where to be found ha. I am glad I found this post on your website to understand your trials and tribulations.
For your son, you should be proud. He not only has the fight in him to endure a parental breakup; he also has the exact taste in music as myself. Kudos for that.
For you Carisa, you are the standing testimony to how hard life can be. How harsh the world can affect us, but, more importantly, how hard we can hit back. Look how far you have come.
You are beautiful mind, body and soul Carisa and you have a beautiful family. No matter how hard things become, how much life has to throw at you; you will always have your family. And there’s a certain power in that, that we as people take for granted so often.
My heart goes out to you Carisa.
If there were a poem 100,000 words long, I would write it in an instant if it were able to take away your burdens. Until that time, I’ll just be here. Your Joshua across the globe.
Faithfully,
Joshua
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Carisa Adrienne
Joshua, I don’t ever think you can leave a comment better than you have before… You always prove me wrong. This comment has made me feel so strong and proud of who I am. I can’t thank you enough. You used the words trials and tribulations… I always use those words too. I know we all experience different ones. I know those words are usually taken from the bible. That’s where I first learned of the phrase. I’ve always tried to think of struggles as “court trials” and the sentence we may have to endure. There is always (mostly😉 but I haven’t killed anyone) a limit on them. Once the trial is over you’re freed. I tend to never forgive or free myself of the time. I’m not saying I feel I was sentenced or being punished during this. I feel if the trial is over… I shouldn’t continue to feel Carry all the guilt. Ive always used that analogy to help friends during their trials and tribulations but I haven’t been able to accept it. 🙂 I hope I conveyed my thinking about it. (Haha) My favorite part of your comment was offering a 100,000 word poem. If you wrote it… It would be the most beautiful poem ever written. ❤️. Also, your last line.. My Joshua from around the globe. I’m so glad you feel the love and respect I carry for you.
Thank you X 100,000 times. ❤️
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J.T.O'Sullivan
The past stays with us sometimes, even when it has passed for others. The hard part, but the part worth striving towards, is to let it all go. Much harder to do than say I’m sure you’ll agree hah, but set yourself that goal and you’ll head towards it rather than dwell.
All love and respect is return Carisa ❤
May your days be filled with happiness and your life with the wealth of your loved ones.
❤ x
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Carisa Adrienne
❤️ X infinity 😉
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J.T.O'Sullivan
Listening to James Vincent McMorrow – If I had a boat.
It helps me to look ahead.
I hope it does the same for you x ❤
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Carisa Adrienne
Joshua… It’s GOLDEN ❤️ I’ve downloaded it and listening to it. Love it. Very powerful. You’ve got great taste in music. ❤️
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J.T.O'Sullivan
I’m glad you like it😘😁
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motherinlondon
My dear friend, although we live millions of miles apart I knew from the day we met you were someone I could get along with. You are such a brave wonderful soul and an amazing mother. You have a gorgeous son and that is all that matters. Thank you so much for sharing you life with us all. Love you always ❤️😘
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Carisa Adrienne
Awe, my beautiful, amazing, supportive friend. ❤️✨🌟❤️ Thank you so much for the smile you have given me today. Your support is all appreciated. I’m so very happy we’ve connected. You are near and dear to my heart. Much love to you always too!! 😉❤️😘
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motherinlondon
❤️❤️❤️😘😘😘
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sirensong1208
You are a beautiful person, inside and out. So brave. I can’t even imagine the struggles, the pain. You brought tears to my eyes as I read your post. You have a beautiful relationship with your son, he has learned from you all the best lessons. Many hugs to you Lovely. Thank you for sharing. xo
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Carisa Adrienne
Awe… Thank you, I’m humbled so much. Those words coming from someone who I admire and respect so much. I can feel your support and love. Thank you validating so much for me. ❤️
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sirensong1208
You have really touched me with that piece Lovely. I am honoured that you think so highly of me, not sure that I deserve that but thank you. Smiles. I have the utmost respect for you and think you are such a sweet soul, I wish nothing but good things for you. Yes, among others I am here for you. xo
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Carisa Adrienne
❤️ you definitely deserve it and more. ❤️
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sirensong1208
Smiles. Thank you. 😘
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Hector
The only thing that always shines through in your posts is the love you carry for your children. Your sacrifices were (are) meant for them and guilt has no place in that relationship. You are a wonderful mother.
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Carisa Adrienne
Hector, you always make me feel empowered with your comments. I can’t express how much I love seeing you in my notifications. ❤️ I can always feel the love you have for your daughter too ❤️
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Hector
Our children are our true love
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Carisa Adrienne
I couldn’t of said it better ❤️
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Sydney Carton
Dear Carisa, it is well that you posted this. For you and for us who want to be a friend. The depth of your passion for your son offers me hope. In sharing your story, you have given hope to many. I feel myself energized by your devotion and bravery.
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Carisa Adrienne
Sydney, you’re the one who has energized my soul. Thank you! Your kind words are so moving and motivating for me. I’m so grateful for your friendship. I’m honored with all your comment. Sending you love ❤️
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mopana
Wow! That’s so ugly. Not only treason, but knife into the back. I know what despair is and I know you will be fine. Keep smiling, Carisa! For you and for Joshua. I am here for you with my little heart to sustain you. Be strong! ❤
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Carisa Adrienne
Monica, thank you for saying all the sweetest things. I adore you so much. You’re such a loving and compassionate women. I think your heart isn’t little ❤️😉. Thank you so much! I know you’ve got my Back!! I love that ❤️
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mopana
Always, Carisa ❤ Thanks for your beautiful words 🙂
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Blue Sky
This is heartbreaking! There is nothing that hurts worse than being betrayed by your own family member. This is a double betrayal. And what a nightmare for you and your son! My heart goes out to you!
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Carisa Adrienne
Oh my sweet, Blue ❤️ I know you know the effects of a family member betrayal. I can feel your support in your words. I not only sympathize, but empathize with your situation too. It’s a feeling beyond description. I always admire and respect your words wether they are in a comment or post. Thank you so much. ❤️
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Blue Sky
You are so sweet! Yes, and it can make you completely lose your sense of self. It is the hardest thing to endure! I truly wish you all the best for you and your son!!!!
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Carisa Adrienne
You as well ❤️😉
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Rita
I love you! I love the mother you are. I love the strong woman you are. I love the choice to carry on you made. I love that you were and ARE stronger than the betrayals we face in this life. You’ve chosen to live a life of love that conquers. And here we are back to HEROES again; this time for me it is YOU ❤
PS – You were and ARE exactly the mother the boy needed/needs as only God knew and knows.
I wait for a day when I can hug you so very tight!
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Carisa Adrienne
Rita.. Those words coming from you!!! I’m speechless!!!! I’m so humbled by the love you always show. I can’t express how much I admire you. I truly mean this…. You’re a hero to me!! Sending you my love ❤️
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Rita
Then we stand amazed at one another ❤️
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lifeconfusions
Ooooh Carisa….there are very few things I’ve read in my life that have made me cry and this, was one of them. My heart hurts but at the same time it swells up in pride seeing you as a strong mother you have been to your son despite of all the tough times.. Do not, do not for a moment think that you haven’t done your best, because you have. Absolutely and utterly, with all your heart; I can sense, you have given it your all.And that is what matters.
And that song after reading your post brought tears to my eyes because I could somehow imagine how it reflected the sentiments from both sides.
This has truly touched me deeply Carsia and I hope you give yourself a pat on the back because if anyone deserves it, it is you ! ❤
Wish there was a way to somehow magically reach out to you and give you a big warm hug ❤ I hope you know you are loved, immensely and dearly ❤
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Carisa Adrienne
Zeeeeeeeee….. I have several comments I need to respond to of yours… I’ve put them off because I have so much I want to say However, it seems I keep pushing them further back. 😉 Anytime you tell me how something I wrote moves you to tears… Your words move me to tears. You and I have a bond that reaches around the world. ❤️. How… Do you know the exact words I’ve been yearning for. Zee… You are able to comfort me the way you do because you know struggle too. I know your struggles are beyond anything I’ve endured. Your heart is so big and filled with compassion. I’m so grateful for our friendship. I hope you realize what you mean to me. Thank you ❤️. I love that song more and more. We have never not loved one of our posts songs. ❤️❤️
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Garfield Hug
Carisa, I am so sorry to read this. It is just so difficult for you. You have done well my friend. Look at you today. You are doing good and your son loves you and you both have a good mother son relationship. I am sad your sister could do that. Great you had FBI skills. Gosh. Your sister is not nice at all. Happy days are ahead for you and looking back only makes you stronger. Garfield hugz ❤💙💚💛
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Carisa Adrienne
Awe… You’re making my heart feel deep red. Thank you… I appreciate your words. I love all your wonderful words. ❤️❤️ Yes…my FBI skills tricked them into revealing it all.. Truly, I’m not gifted at anything but My FBI skills are beyond believable. I notice everything… Hehe.. Maybe I should write how I did it 😉
Hehe.. I’m so happy you are here today. Makes me so happy! 😉❤️
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Paul
Such a wonderful song!
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Carisa Adrienne
It is, isn’t! 🙂
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olganm
Thanks for such an inspiring post. Keep just being amazing. And the best to your son too.
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Carisa Adrienne
Thank you so much for being so Kind! ❤️
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Ritu
Hi, I popped over at Erika’s behest, and I’m so glad I did. What a touching, heartfelt, open and hobest post! You, my friend, are a hero indeed for getting through what must have been the toughest tines in your life. I’m sure your son has grown to be strong, resilient, and will have a different attitude to women too, because he has you to look up to.
(((Hugs))) Thank you for letting us in 😊
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Carisa Adrienne
Thank you, Ritu! Your kind words and compassion are humbling. When we feel doubt it’s so nice to have others reassure us. It’s eye opening to hear how others feel about things you feel you failed at. I appreciate you so much! Erika was so sweet to include me in her post. Thank you for reading here. ❤️
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Ritu
You are most welcome 💖
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persoinpoesia2015
🙏💜
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Carisa Adrienne
It’s only getting stronger and stronger 🙏❤️😘
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Carisa Adrienne
Lo
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IreneDesign2011
This is really an amazing and beautiful post Carisa. What you have survivied made you stronger and your son has a beautiful soul to learn by.
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Carisa Adrienne
Thank you so much for reading and encouraging me with my doubts. I appreciate it more than I can express! ❤️
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bloggeray
Oh this is such a wonderful and uplifting post. I feel lucky to have stumbled onto your blog. Truth be told, this should be featured on freshly pressed, although the WordPress admin don’t do that anymore.
It is tough being a single mother as it is, and to have to feel your own sister betraying you like that is just awfully cruel. You deserve salutes and kudos for not giving up and keeping the fight going in the face of such insurmountable odds.
You are a source of hope for everyone.
Salutes!
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Carisa Adrienne
Wow!! I’m so humbled. You’ve made me feel amazing 🙂 Thank you so much. I’m the one who feels so grateful you’ve stumbled upon my blog. Your words have encouraged me and given me strength.
😉❤️✨🌟
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bloggeray
More power to your lady! Keep up the good work.
God bless!
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bloggeray
Oh, and thanks for the follow. 🙂
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Carisa Adrienne
Absolutely! You’re support is so appreciated. 😉
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Dr. Suesszues-Zen
Never lose the part that suffers, it is the same part that rejoices when the suffering has passed. Doing this, you son will see it, whether he can tell you or not. From what I can see, you are doing a splendid job of, this….
I wish you well Carisa. -J
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Carisa Adrienne
You’re so kind. Since time has passed I’ve come to appreciate the lesson. I do believe you can’t rejoice in the glorious times if there aren’t any hardships. That’s the silver lining I suppose. Thank you so much for kind words and support. I’m so very grateful. ❤️✨🌟
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wafflemethis
This post is one of the most touching I have ever read Carisa.
You are fucking amazing don’t ever let anyone tell you different❤
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Carisa Adrienne
Thank you, Rich! <3. I’m reading alI your comments from yesterday and I feel FUCKING Amazing!! ❤ You’ve put a smile upon my face! Woooohooooo ❤
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wafflemethis
Your welcome Crazy Lady.😉
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Carisa Adrienne
:). We would get along so well! You make me laugh!
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wafflemethis
We already do don’t we?😉
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Carisa Adrienne
Oh Yes, we do.. We certainly do!
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wafflemethis
Well there you go Crazy Lady😘
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Carisa Adrienne
😘❤️
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