I posted this post last week on accident. It was something I wrote 3 months ago in my drafts rather pen and paper. It was never meant to be seen. I deleted it immediately. I had many emails and comments asking where it went. I’m humbled by the kind words of everyone who encouraged me to post it. I decided to finish the piece and repost it.
My oldest son, Joshua, and I play a music game. When we are driving we take turns listening to each other’s playlists. He is nearly 15 years now and talking isn’t one of his favorite things. I believe listening to someone’s playlist might be one of the best ways to understand them.
I will play a song and vice versa. I can sense the emotion he is feeling and my hope is he can sense mine too. I feel humor, love and struggle when he plays his playlist.
Joshua has had a complicated life. I am so proud how he has handled taxing situations. His father (my ex-husband) and my older sister are now married. They have now been married for over ten years. They were together before he was born. Through my FBI skills (😉) I was able to figure out their web of illusion.
Shortly after Joshua was born I was living in a garage apartment. I had less material things than I ever had in my life, but never felt richer. I scrapped every penny I made to pay for half-baked legal representation. While his father and my sister both owned their own successful businesses. I would be lying if I said I was strong. I was actually very weak and insecure. At times I would cry myself to sleep next to him. However, waking up in the morning and stepping on a pacifier was the best feeling in the world.
Joshua gave me a drive and doing so I started to understand myself. I do feel guilty, because it wasn’t his duty to give me purpose. It was my responsibility to help Joshua recognize his purpose and shelter him from heartache. I don’t feel I did all that could be done.
I know when I am standing before God, and asked what my worst sin was. I will reply with, “Not sheltering Joshua from the heartache I was feeling.” I don’t expect the gates to open, and rightfully so.
I am the youngest of 6 children. I have 4 sisters and 1 brother. We were closer than any family I knew. All of us talking everyday and socializing weekly. (Maybe that wasn’t such a good thing 😉) To moving to a little small town 20 minutes away. Cutting off all contact from my sisters who emotionally supported my side of the situation.
I felt if I couldn’t trust my closest sister, then who could I trust!? I was a young mother who was completely broken. My heart-broken because of Danielle… Not my ex-husband. To this day I’ve searched for the words to describe my despair.. But I’ve never found them. I don’t believe they exist…..
I would ascend at 5 am and drop Joshua off at daycare. Work in Pediatrics 10-12 hours. Rush to pick him up. Get the jogging stroller out and run for miles. Next, it was time for home. Then, it all started all over again. Repeat.. Repeat.
I know I wasn’t the mother he needed during that time. I struggled with the treason of my sister more than anything. It was a sea of darkness on many occasions. Joshua was swimming in it too….
I did the best I knew possible. I know I failed miserably at times. Probably because I am not a perfect person. I learned more about myself in that year than I ever knew. I learned a human can go further than they ever thought.
My ex-husband and sister have always wanted me out of the picture. I recall my ex husband’s words one night on a phone call, “Carisa, we waited until you got pregnant because we knew Danielle couldn’t have kids. Joshua is the closet thing she’ll have.”
My mind couldn’t grasp the words he was saying. I calmly walked outside and was sick….Over and over and over.
She always wanted her own child and he wanted material things. He once told me he would be able to have us both. From the moment I realized the truth I never looked at him the same. It’s not as easy to stop loving my sister. She continues to dig her knife into my back. I suppose I’m guilty too, because I’m standing close enough to let her.
I claim full responsibility how I dealt with the actions of them. I’ve never done one drug my life. I’ve never been drunk. I’m not saying those words for admiration, but to convey how I was completely filled with rules. I bottled it all in and doing so I wasn’t the mother Joshua needed.
I don’t judge the lives of others. I know I wouldn’t want someone to judge mine. We all are given burdens to carry. Some are heavier than others. Even though this burden was not my heaviest.. I know it could be worse.
I recognize it was a roller coaster dealing with the episodes of dropping Joshua off and picking him up. I felt like I wanted to scream. I’m met with grief thinking of my sweet baby boy dealing with it all.
I sent notes in the diaper bag asking her to please give him his medicine at his times. To remind her of things they needed to know. I never talked to her personally for 6 years straight. I didn’t feel I would be able to recover from it.
The only silver lining to this might be…. when he wasn’t with me, hopefully, he was with someone who loved him as their own blood.
I always reminded myself, I love him more than I hate what they have done…
I hope I was able to show him unconditional love. I know the worst feeling for him is picking which parent to please. His father and I have different parenting views. I’ve learned to sometimes decide for him and let him feel the weights been lifted from him.
As long as I know he is safe. I will bow out of certain situations so he doesn’t have to feel he is choosing. Many may not understand my reasoning, and that’s okay. I know my reasoning… it’s for my boy.
Even though I’m walking away smiling. However, I can’t make it to the car before breaking down. It’s a far better feeling than thinking of him crying in the night because he felt he let one of us down. I hope he understands and appreciates my unconditional love. The feeling of even though he didn’t pick me at times, it doesn’t change how much I love him.
The last song he played was the Scientist by Coldplay.
I never liked the song until he played it several times in a row. While turning up the volume he just stared out the window. We were having a challenging time prior to this. Today I can barely listen to the very first words without my eyes burning and tears flowing.
It’s been on repeat for days now.
Unknown fact about us, we share the same birthday. He was due December 24th and came October 24th. What a fighter I’m honored to call my son. ❤️
You don’t know how lovely you areI had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apartTell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let’s go back to the startRunning in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a science apartNobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hardOh, take me back to the startI was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apartQuestions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heartTell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh, and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m going back to the start